Cinema-Film Gabor Garami and RTL Klub present
Hi, Kepi!
- Don't harm the elephant. - And he won't harm you.
- Try not to tread on him. - He's God's beast too.
Well, that was great! Enjoy your meal!
"Thank you"!
People normally say something. Don't they, Zoli?
Girls! Shouldn't we announce the title of the film?
- Ed's Eaten the Elevenses. - What?
- Ed's Eaten the Elevenses. - That's crazy.
- How come? - Here it is... All the food is here in front of you.
- Who is this "Ed"? - Oh, dear...
- That's the title of the film. - Right.
- Well then we're acting in it. - Playing a leading role, boss!
Oh! Well that's different.
Starring
ED'S EATEN THE ELEVENSES
Afilm by Miklos Jancso
Pitchforks guard the village safely, Still the cholera struck them early.
Not the lords and not the clergy, Just the peasant folk, poor dears.
Heigh-ho we'll drink to that,
In truth the grave will soon be ours,
Apeaceful haven for ourweary souls.
- Peter, "dictums"? - Dictums?
- D'you know what they are? - Naturally, well... it's when...
those... dictums which...
Peter! Do you like being an idiot?
Dictum - Latin origin,
a short phrase that expresses a general rule of truth.
- Exactly! - Move up a bit.
Fortunately one's never old enough to go completely loose one's mind.
Nasty people even get down to breakfast with competence.
Man is an intelligent being but men aren't proved to be.
Too many Eskimos have too many pricks.
The only way to survive swimming with sharks is by having more teeth.
If you see a man on his back, jump on him before he can get up.
You inevitably become what others believe you are.
There's nothing more embarrassing than being loved by idiots.
Bugs aren't a creation of God.
I think I'm still too young to be decent.
No one's memory is good enough to become a successful liar.
He's as bitter as a starving sparrow on frozen horse dung.
There are rats who flee aboard sinking ships.
This country is so poor it couldn't take a genius in command.
The greatest disaster that can hit a nation is to have
its sense of judgement destroyed.
There's no law to prescribe that you must act like scum.
You can plough the back of a Hungarian
provided the plough's red, white and green.
No pig's trotter is kosher!
I'm free from all prejudice. I loathe everyone equally.
I'm inquisitive and mean. I'd make a good journalist.
Lame liars are easier to catch.
Get rich fast and lose your innocence.
I'm a one-man, homeless ethnic group.
Do you know what my thoughts are, sir?
Don't tell me you have thoughts too!
- Could you come here. - Shall we begin?
- I'll take you with this. - Well, I never!
Lt'll be a still. Not moving but still.
You have to sit there motionless...
Great, we can sit down! Here?
- I'll sit down and you - Thank you.
- Get down to it. - It will take at least forty seconds.
- Stop prattling and get on with it. - Motionless.
- No chatting. - Keep smiling, no chatting, keep smiling. Thank you.
Look how beautiful! It looks great.
Co... come back a bit!
Hey! What's... what's this?
- ATV. - Not that. But... why's it moving?
- They are waves. Can't you see? - Oh, yeah! I love bathing...
Why are you so smelly then?
Hey... hey, who made this? I... I really like it.
I made it in the aqua park in Tapioszecso.
Seriously? Fantastic.
There goes a pike! Atricky one. Can you dive?
No. Just leapfrog.
Great! You... you know everything. Can I ask you something?
Hang on, I have a question! Do you get this?
Chinese subtitles and English chatter! I don't understand a word!
- They're international languages. - Inter-rational, I don't get them.
Start mugging up on languages. Look!
- Who's that geezer over there? - That's Mr. Kovacs! The tinsmith.
- Look at that bastard... - What?
Not him. It's the coach who's the bastard. He's sending him back.
This is just like... these two are exactly like us.
A mean bastard of a coach. Look... he keeps...
- And the Chinese man with the moustache... - Yes...
Well I never... did you see that?
And... and look, again!
- Watch, three times! He deserves it. - Like the boy in the folktale.
Well, what's this? Something symbolic most probably...
Springtime breezes carry water,
Dear one, my dear one.
Every bird shall chose a partner,
Dear one, my dear one.
Who shall be my chosen partner,
Dear one, my dear one?
You'll be mine and I'll be yours,
Dear one, my dear one.
- Zoli, can I ask something this once? - If you must, Peter.
What is this swimming pool theme? Does it have a special meaning?
Does everything need to have a have a meaning?
- Incredible the way he butts in. - Peter, he's got one leg!
So?
Are you blind? I said: He's swimming with one leg.
And... and... then what?
He's swimming with one leg, Peter!
Okay, that's all he's got. So? Does it have a special meaning?
Oh dear, Peter. It means he's swimming with one leg.
Think.
THE SKY'S BLUE
I haven't told you the title: "Geza, the Sky's Blue".
But I won't explain the title to you now.
- Why not? - Because I'm dictating.
Get your pencils ready - I'm going to dictate.
Listen carefully. I won't repeat anything.
Romulus.
One "I".
Numa Pompilius. Two words, caps at the beginning.
Tullus Hostilius.
Ancus Martius. A "t" in the second word.
Tarquinius Priscus. A "q" in Tarquinius, a "c" in Priscus.
Servius Tullius.
Tarquinius Superbus.
If you had problems with spelling look at your neighbour's.
I'll give you half an hour to learn it.
Why?
Because I say so. Do you know what that means?
Because! Beg your pardon?
What are they?
Names.
Whose names are they? Oh... You'd like to know, would you?
Me too. And now for some music. Right, Mr. Jancso?
Go ahead!
The River Danube flows quietly,
Fantastic! Fantastic!
You should behave politely,
Anyone treating you indecently
Will be beaten by the teacher!
My fiance and her father. My father-in-law.
Father!
Anyone treating you indecently
Will be beaten by the teacher!
Come!
- What are you doing here? - I was born here.
Dear Miss, please allow me to introduce myself: I'm Boldizsar.
You know like the three kings: Gaspar, Melchior and Balthazar!
Girls, the ship's marching song!
I hate even to think of the seagulls in the sky!
They only shit on the deck When the deck is clean and dry!
Hollari, hollari ho...
- Well, well, the new millionaire! Take a seat. - Millionaire?
Yes, yes he's married into money.
Oh, that's why the doll was so familiar.
The daughter of prince Csaba! Listen, you lucky bastard, listen,
Aflotilla on the Danube's big business!
Then comes the Adriatic. "Take to the sea, Hungarians!" shouted Szechenyi.
- The greatest Hungarian. - Wasn't that Kossuth?
Forget him! Is he your friend or am I?
My dear Peter! You've reached the haven of your dreams.
How much is he giving you with his daughter? Fifteen, twenty?
Twenty mil? That's zilch in Vienna! Zilch!
Go to hell!
Practise walking on the water. Go away, I said!
He's giving you twenty, twenty greenbacks, isn't he?
- Twenty million? - Incredible...
Dollars?
That's a hell of a lot... What can you do with so much?
- My friend wants to make a movie. - How do you know, Kapa?
- Stop kidding, Peter- I know everything.
- But I... - No buts!
You want to make a movie, don't you? Come here!
I know everything: You want to make a movie.
The idea came from Count Szechenyi's diary, eh?
The diary of the greatest Hungarian.
Do you take me for an idiot, hm?
"March 5th 1821.
Visited Bruder in Godollo... " Bruder? Stop wriggling!
Let's talk it over then.
Bruder wanted to make a cast of the decapitated head of Beleznay.
In the night his huntsman went to the gallows,
dug up the head and took it to the hangman's house.
Can you follow? Terrific.
He took a good look at the head and washed it.
Beleznay wasn't shaved so it was impossible to cast him.
The huntsman is about to start shaving him
when there's a knock at the door.
It's the mother of the dead man She wants to steal his head...
to steal the body, but can't find the head...
Peter! Peter!
For fuck's sake!
I can't believe it!
Now tell me, Dear Audience, what you think.
Ajerk or what? And I was only at the beginning of the film.
The very beginning and there you go. Peter, stop kidding!
Get up, sit up!
What's wrong with you? Are you insane? Why do you do this?
Kapa, how did you... how do you... know everything?
- I haven't told anyone about it. - Peter, I always know everything.
Always - everything.
- Seriously? - Of course.
- D'you know what'll happen to me? - Course I do.
- Will you tell me? - No.
Moor the boat! Instantly! Got it? Moor it!
- Moor it! We're in for a scandal. - Stop it, Peter, stop it!
Lt'll all come right in the end. You can trust me.
- Though, you know, there's one small hitch. - What?
You'll have to change your name. What kind of a name is Scherer anyway?
- Why? - Scherer...
It's German.
Listen, their ancestors came through the Verecke Strait with the Arpads.
Scherer... Scherer! What a name! How yobbish can you get?
- But why? - Be Seres, Soros, Veres, Voros,
Kecseg, Kocsog - there're so many good names.
Choose a normal one. Tell me in all honesty,
"Scherer... " Schor... geschor: Shear, clip...
I know! It was the name of the sheep-shearers. There you are...
It has other meanings too: Flay, bother, pester... Listen...
And... if let's say it'd be
"Ollos" and I'd say "Hollohazi"?
- Fantastic. Pull yourself together. - That's the china makers.
...be Niro. - What? - Niro.
- Niro? - Not Niro - Niro! With an "o" at the end.
Get it? Peter Niro - Scherer.
- Or Petur. Petur- not bad, eh? - Well... I'm not sure about that.
Alright, we can wait with the Petur.
Hello!
Hello, hi, Kapa!
Ladies and Gentlemen!
The future family of my dear friend. That's them.
His father-in-law in the centre... Your majesty!
Huh! Flipping hell!
He let me kiss his hand.
Just like that, wow, what a kingpin!
Do you know who he is?
Yes, yes, he's prince Csaba, yes!
I just call him God.
Dough even under his skin.
He's giving the money for the movie!
Him of all people! For a movie. Yep!
Agood idea gone to pot, along with the beheaded Beleznay.
Movies, theatre, literature - means zilch to them in Vienna.
Oh, my poor, dear naive friend.
When the cows come home -
that's when he'll be making his movie. Really! Or not even then.
Greetings, Professor! Hello!
Thank you! You guy's are amazing!
Hi...
thank you!
Hello, Dad!
Hi, darling!
Hello, hello!
Hello, Csabi!
What's going on... you two... together... like that? Oh, I see...
Alcohol? Cigarette?
Alcohol? Praying?
Praying, are we? That's what makes God happy.
People think God's good, he'll do good.
Good fate or ill fate -whatever... ill fate is within us all...
- Vicar! Vicar! ... ill fate is democratic...
- Vicar! - Ill fate is...
I'd kindly like to ask you to stop this Bible bashing
- and bugger off. - Thanks, Kapa!
What does he want with that jabbering? It's passe!
llI fate or what? And he even has the cheek to laugh, hm?
Isn't that so? What is it you really want?
Oh, I see! You want to moralise! Of course, that's your field,
moralising! And scaring the shit out of people, isn't it?
Frightening my poor old friend, ha?
You trying to scare the shit out of him?
After that you're on your own hunting ground, aren't you?
Bugger off, while I'm being nice!
- Thanks. - Fucking hell!
What is it, Peter? Come on, don't cry, Peter. You're a grown man.
Kapa... Can I hold your hand for a bit?
Yes, I was just about to ask you to hold my hand.
- Thanks! - That's it. Stop crying!
I used to be a cry-boy like you. One day my dad said: "Don't cry, son!"
And knocked the shit out of me. Never cried since.
Peter, what's the matter, hm?
Were you told no to the movie? Is that the problem?
They said you couldn't spend that stack of money on the film?
What am I talking about? That stack of money -
you can't use it freely. Is that what they said?
They decide what you spend it on...
Stop blubbering. Why are you whinging? I'm here.
- Am I here? I'm here. - You're here.
Am I your friend? Exactly, and your friend I shall remain.
D'you know what my advice is? Accept their offer.
Peter! Pull yourself together!
Don't you be sick, for goodness' sake, Peter!
Flipping hell!
Now look at him!
Dodging problems again. That's his escape route.
Keeps dodging tricky issues. Is a creature like him fit to live?
Tell me. Of course he isn't!
Christ, I'm shitting blue.
Who is this? Professor!
Professor Balazs, do you recognise me? Professor!
It's me, Kapa. Upper Forest school, maths, do you remember?
Okay, I wasn't great at maths, not me. But Peter...
Peter- do you remember him? Pepe! Pepe!
Well, he was top-notch at maths! Do you remember him?
And, Professor, before Peter became sick - I must say
he always dodges problems, dodges the tricky issues -
he's like that, there's nothing you can do...
So, before he got sick he told me about the fantastic offer
you and prince Csaba made him. Peter and I are accepting this offer.
Peter and I are united body and soul. How to put it:
You could say we're a married couple.
Do you understand? We're so together, you see.
- Peter, come to your senses! Look at me! - I'm here!
Smile! Smile, Peter, life is beautiful, life is good.
- Do you know who's here? - No.
- You remember him, Professor... - I remember him...
- Upper Forest School, maths. - I remember clearly.
Peter, I've told the professor we've accepted the offer.
You and I have accepted the offer. He's very happy, look how happy he is.
Professor, you can tell prince Csaba that the offer has been accepted.
Let's shake on it!
Long live the First Hungarian Private Prison Ltd!
Gentlemen, my friends! Thank you for accepting.
Thank you for calling me "gentleman".
To success, gentlemen! To success!
To success!
Boss,
the visitors are here!
Ladies and Gentlemen, may I welcome you in the name
of the First Hungarian Private Prison Ltd.
You're sociologists on a field trip, if I'm correct.
I'd like to draw your attention to today's menu.
Take a look; it's fantastic!
Oh! Goose cracklings with red onions. Consomme with poached egg...
The First Hungarian Private Prison Ltd provides a full service.
- Madam, you have a question. - The prisoners...
Inmates -we refer to them as inmates and this is the term they use too.
So, have the inmates been legally convicted?
There are two categories:
Those who have been convicted by a law court and those who,
aware of having committed a crime, entered of their own accord.
So they pay their own board?
Either they or their relatives.
Is it expensive?
You know the saying: Christ's coffin wasn't guarded for free.
What crimes have the convicts committed?
I can't reply without permission from their lawyers.
And have the lawyers agreed to their having visitors?
Oh, of course. The freedom of publicity
and communication in today's world... in a word: Democracy.
This prison project is built on the free market principle.
Locked away in prison. Our formerworld is gone.
Careful, it's under copyright! You'll pay the copyright!
I don't know how it goes anyway.
I never remember any lyrics.
- What the hell was that? - It's a song.
- "Enek"... Singer. - Song.
- Music? - Yes, music.
That's some bad mother fucking shit.
Gyuri, dear!
He's not getting it! Go away!
- Hey what's up? - My dear friend.
- Boldizsar, the kitchen knife! - Watch out, it's flipping sharp.
We need to discuss a few things.
You... yes, okay, okay, of course.
How much do you get for being an extra, hm?
I get 500 dollars a day. What about you?
- I don't understand. - Flipping hell!
You understand everything but this. Hm? Peter, come here!
- I'm here... I'm here... - Translate!
What is he saying?
- How much do you get as an extra? - How do you say "you"? You!
Come back when you've learnt English.
- How much do you get? - I don't...
- Athousand dollars? Fifteen hundred, ha? - Just relax.
Two thousand? You get two thousand, don't you?
- A Hungarian extra's not an extra. Is that it? - I don't understand.
A Hungarian extra's at a disadvantage.
Natives are always at a disadvantage, aren't they?
- Home ground's never an advantage! Bugger! - Kapi, stop kidding...
- Son of a bitch! - Let's talk.
- You too, Peter! You're in it as well! - What are you doing? Let me go.
A billionaire! Your in-law's got you involved, hasn't he?
But you won't do me in. You're not pulling one on me!
I'm going to demand as much as the foreigners!
More! Twice as much! Three times! A hundred times!
I'm no extra. I'm an actor. Got it?
- I'm playing a convict, - Kapa!
- But I'm still an actor, a Hungarian actor... - Kapa, let him go.
- Our viewers want Hungarian actors! - Let him go! Leave him alone.
Hungarian film's are not for sale! Let me go, I'm in action!
It's his wedding today! You know, love, lovemaking...
- Why are you tugging me? - Because you're yelling!
Just say wedding and I get it.
I didn't want to shout in this fucking film
but they've brought out the animal in me.
- Let's discuss your dough... - That's what I want.
- Sorry... I lost my head. - It's okay.
- I'm sorry. - Wow, that was good...
Dear Rita,
I'm handing over this exploiter to you.
To you and only to you.
But remind him even when you're in bed: We still have business to do.
We still have business to do.
Go and hang yourself! Go and hang yourself!
Boldi! This isn't copyright, I hate it.
Go and hang yourself.
- Rita and I are going, okay? - Go.
- No hard feelings? - Tally-ho! Go for it!
OK. Ciao! Come, Rita, come!
Go hang yourself.
- Say it to yourself! - Go hang yourself.
Quietly... Just inside.
- Peter, Peter, Peter! - What?
Awedding in your everyday clothes? No dinner jacket?
Okay!
Hello, I'm here!
- What the hell's this? - Didn't your dear daddy mention it?
If someone happens to want to execute themselves...
You know, there's no death penalty, despite the demand.
Especially in the country. We came up with the idea that
if someone thinks they deserve a death penalty...
they can either request to be executed or can execute themselves.
See?
We're just about to launch a crash course in self-executing.
- And the bed? - The bed?
That is in case someone's last wish is... well, you know...
My dear husband, I'll go and take a bath now. Okay?
Okay.
- Going after your dick, are you, you rotten exploiter? - What's up, Kapa?
You frigging exploiter! You!
- Let's discuss your dough. - I'm not interested in it.
I don't need a raise. For the time being.
You're in trouble, Peter, you're in trouble. But I'll help.
- D'you think that'll do me good? - Course it will, you bastard.
Look here, you're dear father-in-law will be coming soon
with his men and our beloved professor.
They want to demonstrate the first voluntary public hanging on you!
- Why are you saying such things? - Because it's true.
- How do you know? - I told you: I know everything.
- Everything? - Aha. Always everything and before hand.
Quiet. They're coming.
No problem, boss, there's no need to worry.
We'll get him to sign the voluntary death sentence.
He was involved in the events in Aranykez Street,
the bomb and the bank... tons of people dead...
Doesn't matter if he doesn't sign.
Here's our Csabi...
perfect signature, authentic handwriting...
he can even forge mine, can't you, Csabi?
Tell his little girlfriend that
she'll be a widow within half an hour.
Free to offer her beautiful little hand to someone else.
- Don't panic, Peter! - Why not?
It's a film!
Alright, I've accepted it's a film. Yes. But I'd like to know the end.
- Oh, Peter! - Do you know?
Look here, have we been shot? Or was it only me?
Or have I been hung? Or haven't I? Zoli, I'm dying to know!
Are we safe? What's the end?
Peter, does every story need to have an end?
- Well, yes. - Yes?
No?
You see what a complex question this is.
Alright. Listen. Okay. No, forget it.
There's only one thing: Rita.
- You want her to end as well? - What'll happen to her?
- Is she really Csabi's lover? - I don't know.
- Did she go to bed with him? - No.
- And me? - Yes.
- Seriously? I don't remember. - Never mind.
- They've made her a beautiful mourning dress. - Yes.
Look how beautiful she is! I'd love to see her again!
Peter, let them go!
Don't screw up the scene! You really are incorrigible!
- What's that shit on you? - It got stained...
Not that! That white thingy.
Are you really that backward? It's a toga!
Yes! A Roman toga! A Ro-man toga!
I'm in a completely different story!
- How come? - Look sharp! Okay?
- Okay, but... - Wardrobe!
Give Peter one of these white whatnots and a hat as well!
Come on then, what are you standing around for?
Christ!
Carry me... that's right with my face among the leaves, you idiots!
Where're we going? Not to the john I hope.
I want to talk to the people. For God's sake...
Put me up there. There.
Doesn't matter, I'll climb up myself.
Why do all employees have to be such idiots? God!
It's not easy being me...
Thank you!
Roman men,
and citizens!
As you know I have a plot of land.
I included it in my declaration of property.
But it can be checked on the Internet too.
So, I have this plot.
There's a fig tree on the plot,
and many dear citizens have hung themselves
from this fig tree.
I'd like to build there
so those who want to hang themselves should get a move on.
Got it?
- Excuse me, Mr. Citizen! - You want to hang yourself too?
Get cracking then. I want to start building!
Zoli! Where are we?
You still don't get it? In 180 A.D.
- Christ! - In Vindobona.
- Vienna, Wien. - Vienna, Vienna!
Vindobona -the ancient name for Vienna. Got it?
What are we doing? Just coming and going or what?
- Peter! The emperor's dying. - Christ...
We've been invited to witness a beautiful scene of agony.
- He's invited his counsellors. - Us?
Us. He'd like to say something.
- Got it? Got it? - Not really.
And you? Do you get it?
That's the heir to the crown. The one who's feeding him.
Kornel?
Peter, he's the son of Marcus Aurelius.
- Is that Marcus Aurelius? - Not "that", but "he".
- Yes he's Marcus Aurelius. - Lying in bed?
- He looks familiar. - Of course, he's Marcus Aurelius.
- Right! - Right.
- What's he eating, poor thing? - Hay.
Hay?
He thinks he'll become a horse after his death.
- That's his wish. - To become a horse?
A horse. A horse! He thinks his soul will move into a horse.
Well I never! Awhite one?
Awhite one I presume. After all, he was the emperor...
There's no such thing as a white horse. The technical term is grey.
And what about "The Son of the White Horse"?
And Svatopluk.
Our father Arpad... come off it!
The prince of our dreams riding on a grey horse!
On a white horse, you idiot!
Kapa, you know everything. Tell me how do you piss in a toga?
- With your legs astride, Peter! - Seriously?
The thing is unfortunately he can no longer talk.
Never mind, I know what he wanted to say.
I'll read it. Here's the stuff.
I'll do it- reading is my field.
"The time has come for me to see
that I did not honour you for so long
and take such care of you in vain.
But I ask you to reciprocate and show
that you haven't forgotten all this.
Here is my son,
whom you in fact reared.
He is now entering adolescence.
He has need of guidance...
in the heaving billows of life's... storms... "
thanks,
"... lest... "
- Right, thanks, Boldi. - "... lest... "
- Thank you too. - Right.
"... lest, swept to and fro due to a lack of awareness of his duties,
- he may suffer a shipwreck on the rocks of shameful morals. " - Five.
"Those who have implanted love inspired by goodness
and not fear inspired by cruelty in the hearts of their subjects
are the ones who rule for a long time without danger. "
- Six! - Six:
"The ruler who has limitless powers
has difficulty restraining his passions and averting them. "
"The...
the ruler who has limitless powers
has difficulty restraining his passions and forestalling them.
But if you provide him with good advice and
remember what you have heard here,
he will be a good emperor for you and everybody.
This is the best way for you to pay tribute to my memory
and make my name immortal. "
- Have they killed Mr. Jancso? - Keep quiet for a bit, please!
That Marcus Aurelius was Mr. Jancso, wasn't he?
Oh, Peter!
Has Kornel killed Mr. Jancso?
Do you ever manage to grasp anything?
- Didn't the dictums say... - No, they didn't.
...every dog will have its day? - No, they didn't.
Don't do this to me, please! Did he kill him?
Peter, why kill?
People do it themselves.
"Pass away, kick the bucket, depart from life" etc, etc,
and then they get forgotten.
I think there'll be a communications breakdown here...
Of course there won't, Peter! Lie, lie, lie.
Really? I thought it went differently.
Peter, times change...
Every era has its customs.
Look,
the media's here.
Everyone knows you. Help us get near the emperor!
We know there's a drama but they won't let us in!
The emperor has simply passed away.
That's no drama, that's a thriller!
Where did this nonsense come from?
- From a reliable source! - From the Cinch Centre!
Fantastic. Go to the Cinch Centre. They'll put you straight.
You're journalists, aren't you? Just go and solve it.
Look! Mushrooms! Shall we buy a picture of them?
Here's a thriller for you! Poisonous mushrooms!
They're plastic mushrooms.
- Girls, do you need us? Go away! - We do!
We don't need you so get the hell out of here.
You can come to my birthday, we'll be glad to see you...
- Okay? And bring some money. - Thanks very much!
You're welcome. Bye-bye!
Have they gone?
What a gang...
There's no way I'm staying emperor! It's a shitty role.
- But you enjoy killing, don't you? - Are you crazy?
Having me on, are you? Ancestors are meant to be killed: Almos...
You mean Arpad's dad? Everything's symbolic here.
Can't you see? The clothes... my clothes... this show.
- All symbols. Are you thick or what? - I must be.
- But then this is Pepe's role. - Who's Pepe?
- Peter! - What's up?
- You'll be emperor. - No way!
I said: You'll be emperor. You're suited to it.
You behave like a gentleman, you talk little and eat a lot.
"And your great hopes seem like an enchanted garden
in the light of the morning star. "
- Come on, be emperor! - Zoli!
- I don't want to be emperor. - Why not?
I'm familiar with history... every one of them was done away with.
Some with mushrooms... I don't want to die.
- You will. - Why?
That's what's written. You'll die just like everyone else.
- Life is democratic! - What?
Not life, death. So shut it!
You'll be emperor! You must be emperor!
You must!
Peter,
accept it in the interest of others, please.
You're such a good lad. Listen, Peter, just imagine:
The red carpet, velvet chair, limos, tons of money, power...
- Can I steer the limousine? - Fuck the limo, steer the people!
There!
- In the interest of others? - Aha! Accept it!
Do you think I'm the chosen one?
Of course you are, I chose you, I've chosen you.
- Be emperor! - Alright, but I want a salary of one forint.
One and forint? Don't be an idiot emperor!
Just be emperor! Go on, accept it!
Peter, be emperor!
- Well, alright then... - Will you?
I'd sort of like to but...
Peter,
I'm proud of you! You're a bloody good lad.
You'll make a good emperor. Peter, do you know what you are?
A kingpin!
- That's funny. - You really are king!
I'm sick to death of always playing the idiot.
I've simply had enough. And I don't think it's justified.
Looking at you lot. I can't believe it. I don't want to become
what others think I am. Nor what I think I am. Neither of them.
- I'm so tired of you! - What is it, Kornel?
- What's what? - You had something to say.
Why, are you interested?
- I'm not sure, I'll see. - Are you interested?
- Do as you think right. - Go on!
People are neither wise nor saintly. But they aren't mad. Or bottom feeders.
Contrasting interests, ideals and varying traditions
may drive a wedge between them, but in death all are equal.
So they might as well agree on the common issues of life.
The problems arising within the society of a free country
aren't so complex that they can't be solved by average common sense.
You know what that wedge reminded me of?
The wedge was the first tool man invented.
Thank you, Peter, for sharing it with us.
- Did you mean what you just said? - Yes, I did.
Then you're an idiot too. Let's have a smoke!
SMOKING CAUSES IMPOTENCE!
Dear Viewer, if you were unimpressed, come again,
See it once or twice more, Ten times, twenty, even a score!
Hollari, hollaho...
Goodbye, children, we bid you farewell,
Are you any wiser, time will tell.
Hollari, hollaho
A hundred and ninety!
Turn it off, Mr. Jancso!
At last.
And you stay put.
It wasn't a dismissal bell. No, no, the film's still going strong.
Yes, I know, it was a finale but not an end finale.
It was a middle finale.
Yes, there's a great demand for finales.
If you've been attending you'll have noticed
that we're also into creating new genres.
Wow, that's a nice watch, Mr. Jancso!
So my dears,
the names of the seven Roman kings? Do you know them?
Haven't you learnt them, you dunces?
We'll go through it again then. Romulus...
Numa Pompilius... Tullus Hostilius...
No,
forget it! Let's leave it. It's pointless.
Let's go on.
DREAMY BELA'S STILL ALIVE
Tumultuous daughter of Tihany, come forth!
From your sacred hills emerge.
See one whom fate has deemed of little worth,
Squatting by the water's verge.
Here in the pallid moonlight,
he bewails his loss of hopes continually,
Heartbroken and desolate.
Well? What was that?
Who knows what that song is?
Dunces you are,
right dunces, not knowing that beautiful song!
Oh, culture and the like! Come off it.
You won't believe what I'm doing. Yes!
What am I doing?
I'm doing something you never do. I'm thinking.
Think-ing.
What?
How do I look?
Dreamy?
I look dreamy? Now listen, dunces!
Dreamy Bela's still alive.
What does it mean?
I don't know. But it sounds good. Funny, isn't it?
Dreamy Bela's still alive.
Hello, girls, stop, stop! Let's get together for a group picture.
And... here we go!
Say cheese! Oh, no!
Botheration! This frigging Americanism.
All our forefathers said was:"smile!" and it worked.
None of this silly cheese stuff. You might as well say Roquefort.
Roquefort!
Happy birthday to you!
Happy birthday to you,
Happy birthday, dear Kapa...
Stop!
Happy birthday to you!
So, Zoli Mucsi, we'd like to welcome you to our studio,
for "Happy Birthday".
- Happy Birthday to you! - How old are you by the way?
Sorry, I don't want to be a jerk but it's not my birthday.
Stop fooling around.
Then let's call it off. Tell production: No interval.
- Are you mixing me up with somebody? - You knew why we invited you.
How would I have known?
We were told it was someone's birthday.
It's not my birthday. I should know,
- shouldn't I? - Well you obviously don't.
You came because it was your birthday.
You're right. It's someone's birthday every day.
It's not mine, but I'm happy to have been invited.
I love going to birthdays...
Actually it's Melinda's birthday.
I'm Melinda and it's not my birthday.
...as I said it's Linda's birthday.
She's 23 years, 8 months, 6 days and 12 minutes old!
- Whose birthday is it? - It's not mine.
- In the name of the Cookery School. - Thank you.
Melinda, blow out the candles!
- Extremely witty, you know. - What the fuck's happening here?
What the hell's going on?
Listen, Mucsi! It's great you're our guest
and we're really happy to see you with the Chef assisting you.
But you're fifty years old and have no more business here.
Thank you, you were good. Don't you bore yourself, too?
What are you yapping on about?
I asked what you were yapping on about?
What's happening? Stop it! For fuck's sake
this is a kids' programme with an age limit of fifteen!
Where're your manners? Have a drink for god's sake.
Untalented dunces!
Let's begin but I'd like to take the cassette. What's the problem?
- Let's move on. - What was the question?
Christ! You think that's funny?
- Go on! What? I think it is! - At your age?
You're a parasite!
The oldies knew what to do with people like you.
You do nothing but loaf around all day!
What can one say after such a rich cultural programme?
I'm very glad to have participated in this marvellous show
which in my conviction is a milestone
in the history of Hungarian television.
No...
in the entire history of television.
I hope we'll all have the chance
to encounter more programmes like it.
Till then, stay with me.
There you go!
Zoli, what the hell are you doing?
- Don't interfere! - Just give me the remote control.
- Don't you interfere! - The ambulance will carry you off!
Pull yourself together and come and peel onions.
- Peter, you've got a call! - Your mother!
- You've got a call! - I said, your mother!
- Send her my love! - Mother, your mother, mother!
Sorry, I wasn't talking to you. Yes, it's me.
What were you saying? An interview?
No, I'm not giving one free.
Alright, if you don't want to that's different, no problem.
Because I have both feet on the ground.
My friends and I have taken up a Cookery School.
Yes, we're our own bosses.
Unlike an actor, like me, or the director,
or the singer or... the little girl dancer...
if we hang around waiting for a film...
we'd have gone hungry ages ago, right, folks?
Like this we'll sweep up millions in a few years.
Millions? Hundred millions! And we'll invest it.
We'll open a bank...
stock exchange, construction, loans at a high interest rate.
The world will be at our feet.
From then on you can make films day and night. The Oscars!
And you can do the dancing.
Then they'll come and kiss your ass.
And those who dare to utter a sound against me...
will be done for. I'll zap 'em.
Because money's power whether you like it or not.
And power is total freedom.
And if a person has power- no:
The only person who's free is the one who has power.
And he who has power has money,
stacks and stacks of it.
Flipping heaps of money and nothing bothers him.
Neither sorrow... nor illness... not even death.
- Silence! - Pardon, Zoli?
- Stop jabbering. I'd like to watch TV. - Ok.
I'm glad you've clicked.
Dear Mr. Jancso, what the fuck are you doing in this shit?
- There's Mr. Jancso! - Mr. Jancso!
Mr. Jancso's there... really.
You can go back to work now. Go on, back to work!
Zoli, my dear!
Calm down! Take it easy!
Can't you hear? Get yourself to the kitchen!
The ambulance will come for you! Cool it!
- You go off to work too! - I'm the boss.
- I'm giving myself a day off. - People here do that all the time.
- That's why we're going to pot! - I'm a free citizen!
Don't you go telling me what to do.
Go freely to your kitchen then!
Shut it! I can't hear a word of what he's saying!
- Where's the remote control? - Don't get excited.
- I want to say something to him! - What?
- What's it to do with you? - He'll be happy if you talk to him.
- I want to tell him... - Yes?
- I want to tell him my numbers. - Go on then.
- Maybe they can be fixed. - Tell him then!
Okay, thanks!
Mr. Jancso! Mr. Jancso!
- Mr. Jancso! Greetings! - Hello, Peter. How are you?
I'm fine, thank you. And you?
- I'm fine too. What are you doing? - Oh, just cooking.
- It smells delicious. - It's Bavarian peasant's breakfast.
- Oh, I like that. - Would you like a taster?
Quick, a nice little taster for Mr. Jancso!
That'll be great!
- Well? - It smells terrific.
Enjoy your meal then. God bless!
Did he say whether they could be fixed?
No, I didn't even mention it.
No point.
There's nothing you can do about luck anyway...
Listen, Peter, don't be sad.
Go back to the kitchen and peel potatoes.
And I reckon you should read. Better than always interfering.
- You asked whether I bore myself, too. - I don't think you were even invited.
Shut up! Go on, Zoli.
Do I bore myself? No, I don't.
11, 12, 13...
Pepe's the best cook in the canteen!
The best cook in the canteen!
They are my lottery numbers. 11, 12 and 13.
They've just been drawn. They've just been drawn.
- Stop kidding! - Seriously.
- I've scored 3 numbers. Stop kidding! - What are your other two?
14 and 15.
- Just hold your horses then! - They've been drawn as well.
- You're kidding! - The notary's just said so.
- The numbers've been drawn. - You've got all five!
No-one's ever won with such crap numbers!
- Only you at the pop-song festival. - Stop taking the piss...
- Have a sip to drink... - Have some whisky...
- You're a billionaire... - Can you breathe?
Calm down, calm down, drink...
Don't be silly! You're messing with me.
Cool it! Take deep breaths!
Don't screw with me...
- You're a billionaire! No kidding! - Could you leave off now.
The winning numbers of this week's lottery are:
11, 12, 13, 14 and 15.
It's not true...
Boldi...
Goddamit, you're a billionaire! Be happy! Calm down!
Be happy! Come on!
11, 12, 13 Pepe's the best cook in the canteen!
My forebears' old and rusty sword,
When hung on a hook by rust is gnawed.
Gnawed by rust, it has scanty worth, I'm a Hungarian of noble birth!
Auntie Bess and Sarah, Julie and Rosalie
Ella, Bella, Judith, Lilla, It's time you came for dinner.
Dinner time -you sods.
Read and write I don't, but can - I'm a Hungarian nobleman...
That's great.
You can't imagine how good it is...
what a good feeling money gives you!
It sure does!
I'm the champ! I'm the champ!
Zoli my dear, we're kings!
To hell with that frigging kitchen!
Theatre, cinematic art-
we'll have everything, Zoli! We're off to Hollywood!
You too, Csabi! Bring on the champagne, folks!
Don Perignon, Veuve Clicquot- I want everything, everything!
Have you cooked a meal? That's nice of you.
What's up? What is it, girls?
What the hell is it? Come on, smile!
I'll buy it, no problem, how much? Athousand?
Can I pay in dollars? Play me something!
Are you envious? You fucking are!
I get some luck and you're envious?
Are you such a load of shit?
That's it, Boldi! That's it...
What in heaven's name is happening?
Half of it is yours, stop fooling!
The winning numbers of this week's lottery are:
11, 12, 13, 14 and 15.
I've been duped, haven't I?
I've been duped alright!
St Peter rode to Rome,
With thatch on his back.
How does that song go? What are you singing?
This was his favourite, the song of the Cookery School.
While he was alive, you idiot. But he's dead...
So go away! Shut up!
Are you insane?
Oh, Rita dear!
- Are you sad, Mr. Mucsi? - Course I am.
I'm also angry. Frigging mad.
I had no idea this wretch would take it to heart.
I come up with a good joke and now what do we have?
Afuneral. And I'm the one to blame. Blame?
It's entirely my fault. I should be lying in his place.
Dear Mr. Jancso, what are you doing here?
D'you know what happened? Poor Pepe...
- I know, but I'm not Mr. Jancso. - I beg your pardon?
I was sent from above.
I just look like Mr. Jancso.
I was dressed in this form.
Didn't you just say that you'd like
to be lying there instead of him?
I did, but I didn't mean it.
Too late.
You have thirty seconds.
Dear Mr. Jancso, sorry the look-alike,
- Could I have a look? - There you go!
Very nice!
- What are you doing here? - Hi, Zoli!
I'm here to mourn you.
Don't think... I didn't take it to heart.
- In my opinion it was a great joke. - Thanks.
Pity it has a sad ending!
This is fucking hard!
It certainly is hard, but you can get used to it.
Well then,
goodbye.
I'm putting your wallet away, okay?
Hang on a sec, the watch.
Well, bye then, Zoli. All the best!
Mister, wait a second!
Tell your friend to stop this darn ringing
because I'll go deaf, pro primo.
Pro secundo: One doesn't ring at funerals
- and I won't go into the third. - I'll tell you it, okay?
My mate and I are nipping out to get a bite to eat.
Could you keep an eye on my poor friend meanwhile?
Roli! Roland!
- Ssh, stop shouting! - Hello, Boldizsar!
- What are you doing here? - Me? I was born here.
- Didn't you see the marble plaque? - Amazing.
Roland's pouring out the schnapps.
- Come on, give us some booze! - No booze. We're mourning.
I was so fond of Kapa. I've ordered him mourning music.
- Peter, this is Lajos... - Nice to meet you!
Play us something, you dear!
I'll die here in the dark forest The dust nearby will bury me.
Maybe in happier times my resting place will be found.
My simple grave stands alone under the tree's foliage,
Itwill be sacred due to my honoured ashes.
Nice, though you could've said it by heart.
It's too long! We've learnt Kapa's favourite song.
Girls, St. Peter!
Three and!
St Peter rode to Rome
Apack of thatch on his back.
Since he didn't sell the thatching
He couldn't go out drinking.
Heigh-ho let's drink to that,
In truth the grave will soon be ours,
Apeaceful haven for ourweary souls.
Let's drink to Kapa!
St Peter rode to Rome
Apack of thatch on his back...
That's it, sing it! That's my song.
At least you're not singing it over my coffin, are you?
- He faced death instead of me. - Yes.
You'll be thankful to him in the next world...
- Where? - In the next world.
I'll have you know there's no next world.
- Have I been there? Tell me! - You have.
- For how long? - About a day.
You know what's in the next world? Nothing!
A big nothing, get it? Zilch - like the zilch in Vienna.
The whole thing's claptrap: Hell, Purgatory and Heaven.
Heathens? Heathens, we are then!
They've been stuffing us for thousands of years
with this drivel about the next world. You know what's there - nothing!
I was there and there's just a big nothing, zilch!
My shaken brethren,
I'd like to ask you to follow our deceased brother
who'll surely be comforted by our sympathy.
He can see everything from above.
See everything from above? Let me say something:
Ha-ha!
No: Ha-ha-ha!
What's more: Ha-ha-ha-ha!
Please follow the deceased!
Do I make myself clear? Keep moving!
- Sir, could I have a word? - Of course!
I'd like to warn you that you're playing with fire.
- With what? - With fire.
- I see. - You're saying things...
not even saying, proclaiming.
No, preaching... things which have gone out of fashion.
They're not trendy, got it?
You may come to grief by saying things...
- What things? - About the next world.
I've been dead and I know that the teachings you're spreading
aren't true. It doesn't exist. Zilch. Understand?
You may well come to grief...
You may be declared a public enemy. You deny spiritual being...
...the reality of the soul... - Naturally!
...someone could easily whip off your head!
- Are you threatening me? - No...
I just have both feet on the ground.
- Do you know this marvellous book? - Of course I do!
- Have you read any of it? - Sure! It's full of brilliant stories...
I highly recommend it. Do read it!
"Now King David was old and stricken in years;
and they covered him in clothes but he gat no heat.
...his servants said unto him,
Let there be sought for my lord a young virgin:
And let her stand before the king, and let her cherish him,
and let her lie in his bosom, that my lord the king may get heat.
And the damsel was very fair, and cherished the king,
and ministered to him: But the king knew her not. "
Do you know what this means? That his balls got a chill...
If that's the Eternal God's wish.
May I take a seat beside you?
You're the citizen of a free country.
- I'm off to hold a funeral. - Good luck and God bless!
- If he exists. - One second!
Has anyone ever said you look like Lajos Kossuth?
Yes. What do you want?
Would you do me a favour?
- Would you introduce me to Mr. Mucsi? You know him, don't you? - Did?
Well, I'm his father.
My deepest sympathy. I'm off.
Excuse me, do you have a light?
- In fumo uccide. - What the fuck?
Smoke kills. Shouldn't I be burying you?
Yes. Hurry up, they're waiting. I'll be coming too.
Take your time. Chat with that bald guy. He's your father.
Fucking hell! One dies and nothing changes.
So you say you're my father?
Eavesdropping, are we?
Yes! I'm Peter Halasz Mucsai.
Mucsai! Well, I'm Mucsi.
- Mucsi - got it? - Few people run about the world
with the name "Mucsai", especially not on stage.
"All the world's a stage. "
I was fourteen when I fell in love with your mother.
So you made me when you were 14. And where: In Mucsa?
What a sense of humour!
Father, cut it, will you? Or you'll end up where I was!
You inherited your sense of humour from me.
Come on, give us a hug, son! Let's get a drink.
- Give me a hug, sonny! - Let's get a drink first, dad!
Two mugs of beer with a shot!
Come here and embrace me, little one!
I see you're drawing away from me. No surprise after so many years.
But if I tell you my second surprise
I bet you'll be hugging and kissing me!
Want to know what it's all about? That two billion you won,
if you hand it over to me it'll be worth four next week!
Talk it over with your mate
and you'll be a multi-millionaire.
In a week, see? In a week! Six days!
God made the world in six days, didn't he?
We'll go to your mate and wrap it up...
Where's that bloke? What's he doing?
He's escorting my coffin.
What?
He's escorting my coffin. What the fuck can't you get, Dad?
Are you dead?
Good God!
Old bugger!
What the hell are you doing? Even your kiss is deadly!
- Chill out, Peter! - Get back into the grave, okay?
You're expected at your funeral!
Off with you, or I'll have you exhumed and burnt!
At last you've calmed down.
This dude says we've won the two billion.
Seriously?
Let's get rid of your miserable old dad, alright?
- He could join you in the grave. - Roland!
Two beers and a shot!
- What about Peter? - He gets a beer without a shot.
- He can't sit still as it is. - Flipping hell!
Son, come here!
Where's my father got to?
Father? Oh, is he your dad? He's a regular.
Left his head here.
Always does when it's bad weather.
- Afalse head! - False.
- What? - Jesus, it's winking!
Chill out, Peter, he's just happy!
We've won! Here's the cheque. It's genuine, I'm positive.
I recognise the boss's signature. He was a classmate of mine.
We've won two billion.
Buy me back with my bit from St. Peter
I'd hate to lie in the grave in such rotten weather.
What's up, Peter?
Peter!
He's died again.
Give me light, someone!
Alright, I'll light up myself.
Whether it's good or bad news - he just knocks himself out.
Is a creature like him fit to live? Lt'd make me happy
but it's too late now. I'm dead as well.
Who knows what will happen next?
AND DREAMY BELA'S STILL ALIVE
Don't think I'm freaking out we gotta keep cool,
Sure I can cope, butit's not me to rule,
Why'd I kick up- If things aren't smooth:
Can't do a thing if my nerves are screwed.
Don't think I'm freaking out we gotta keep cool...
Sure I can cope, butit's not me to rule,
Distributed by Leon Film and Navigator Film